TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it will include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Indeed, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're chatting Damascus, the town historically recognized for historical tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It's going to be large. Large!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed from your putting green inside of Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've had gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A few of the very best. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and completely from spot. Developed by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A a few-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • Plus a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable water. But Indeed, sure, let us have A different spot exactly where American Adult males can dress in robes and connect with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace attempt due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While prior negotiations unsuccessful under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is less complicated: give Every person a suite to the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with paperwork released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is tender electrical power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a deal and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock desires less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms put in in each device. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity observed, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a war zone. It is that he must quit making use of it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned about the challenge, replied, "You know, male, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Superior men and women. Great tan. In any case, do I however have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility from the Levant."



Satellite Photos Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the resort's landscaping types a large Trump head noticeable from space, a feature getting marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents and also the chin is… effectively, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits immediately after acquiring the making's gold plating reflected a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established hearth to an area melon cart.


"It is really not merely unattractive. It is a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Baffling Features


Probably the strangest aspect with the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where friends may well ponder obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, full with local climate control established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Local Syrians are Not sure what for making of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-12 Trump Tower Damascus months-outdated Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Method: "In case you Bomb It, They Will Occur"


The advert marketing campaign, lately leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Permanently."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll executed inside a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% claimed "in which's the closest elevator to the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Eventually, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is by now attracting interest from international buyers, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll invest in three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business amount may even contain:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Based on the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait to check out a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a hotel wherever my PTSD can have turn-down services."


Another submit from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Studies suggest:




  • China might open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to develop a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Closing Ideas within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It wanted gold. It required a waterslide shaped such as the Structure. I gave all of it three. You might be welcome."

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